I'm Mary Jones, what a girl, what a world, what a life.
Oh, I'm Mary Jones, what a fine, lovely sight, what a wife.
He and gay old age, he keeps my heart laughing, never know where her brain is going.
Can't deny that's why I'm Mary Jones.
The Joan Davis Show. I'm Mary Jones.
America's favorite comedy show.
Starring America's queen of comedy, Joan Davis as Mrs. Joan Stevens.
And featuring Jim Backus as Judge Bradley Stevens.
I'm Mary Jones.
Listen to this, Brad.
What millionaire playboy has been seen at what nightclub every night this past week?
Is the answer a dancer? Does he linger for a singer?
Or could it be the hat check girl who has gone to his head?
Ha ha ha, hat check girl gone to his head.
Isn't that a riot, Brad?
Kelly, how can you read such nonsense?
Oh, Brad, stop being such a stuff shirt.
The fellow who writes this talk of the town column is very funny.
And he really gives you the latest dirt, too.
Dirt is right, just a collection of phony news items.
Oh, Joan, can I have some more toast and please hurry, dear, I'm a little late for court.
Yes, your honor, coming right up.
Rumors are flying that not all the cases in this town's court are being decided on merit alone.
We know that bribe is an ugly word, but can there be some bulging wallets under those judicial robes?
Please, Brad, I got the toast as fast as I could.
I'm sorry, dear, I was thinking of something else.
Oh, can I have the paper back, Brad?
Courts are being decided on merit alone.
Brad?
Bulging wallets under those judicial robes.
You see, honey, that talk of the town column really grows on you.
Well, enjoy yourself. Read it.
I'll read the magazine section. I didn't get a chance to read it yesterday.
Well, how about this?
Helen Cavanaugh's house is in the home of the weak section.
The nerve of this newspaper.
Oh, it would be Helen Cavanaugh's house.
But Aunt Helen is one of the most arrogant, insulting.
Like when she said to me, darling, your stockings are wrinkled.
I wasn't even wearing stockings at the time.
Home of the weak.
They shouldn't be allowed to print this kind of news.
They certainly shouldn't.
They should be talking about this for years.
I'm surprised she hasn't been here yet to brag about it.
I can just hear her.
And guess what, darling?
They picked my house for the home of the weak.
Isn't that wonderful, darling?
Yes, dear. If you like it, keep it.
Don't send it back.
I'll pay for it, dear.
You'd better prepare it.
Hello, Joanie.
Helen.
Helen Cavanaugh.
Well, what brings you here?
I was on my way to the beauty parlor and I suddenly said to myself,
Helen, you must drop in on Joanie.
And you answered, why not, Helen?
It's only three miles out of my way.
Well, I merely dropped in to say hello.
Okay. Go ahead. Say it.
Hello.
Oh, Helen, you and your wonderful sense of humor.
You're always kidding.
Well, I guess I'd better be going.
Oh, by the way, Joanie.
Here it comes.
Did you happen to see the rotegravure section of Sunday's Gazette?
No, Helen.
I didn't happen to see the rotegravure section of Sunday's Gazette.
Why?
Well, they did the silliest thing.
They picked out my house for their weekly feature as home of the week.
Is that so? Well, too bad I missed it.
Oh, I just may have a copy here with me.
I bet my life you have.
Well, what do you know? I do have a copy.
Imagine that.
You know, ever since they redecorated my home,
they've been clamoring for me to have them photograph it.
And finally, I just had to give in.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Cavanaugh.
Hello, Beverly.
You see, Joan, the beautiful California home of Mr. and Mrs. Philip L. Cavanaugh.
Late Louis XV furniture, hand-cut checkers of occagon crystal, Swedish silver.
How do you like it, Joanie?
Well, I think that plant there needs watering.
Looks a little droopy.
Oh, it's just that you're so sensitive on the subject of houses.
What?
And you really shouldn't be.
Why, you have a charming house.
It's so, um, so, um...
Well, I happen to like it.
So do I.
Oh, and so do I.
Why, Joanie, you have done miracles with this house.
The very lack of plan is almost a plan in itself.
Oh, what period would you say it is?
Early miscellaneous.
Or salacious style, the mixed periods.
Oh, and you have, haven't you?
For your information, Helen Cavanaugh,
the Sunday Gazette has been begging me for months to let them photograph my home for the home of the week.
But I turned them down every time.
Didn't I, Bev?
Uh, sure, sure you did.
I know what, Joanie.
If it's true as you say that they want to use your home, prove it.
Go on, let them.
No, I wouldn't.
Go on, Joanie.
Call up the Gazette and tell them that you accept their offer.
If you dare.
Okay, I will.
I forgot the number.
I'll write them a letter sometime.
I know the number.
Ask for the rotograph your section.
Give me the rotograph your section, please.
Rotograph your color speaking.
Oh, this is Mrs. Bradley J. Stevens.
Say, your office has been bothering me for such a long time to use my home in your Sunday edition,
and I've decided to let you.
But you'll have to do it immediately.
Just a minute, Mrs. Stevens.
We only...
I'm sorry if you can't do it within the hour, you'll simply have to forget about it.
Well, what do you think now?
I never would have believed it.
I know why they want pictures of your home.
For they're believe it or not calling.
Well, I've got to be running, Joanie.
I don't want to be late for my beauty appointment.
Oh, no, don't be late.
They'll need all the time they can get.
Did you see the look on her face when she went out to do...
Oh, the old show-off.
She is real.
Yeah.
Say, wouldn't it be funny if the Gazette really did decide to do it?
The Gazette really did decide to photograph this place?
Funny, it'd be tragic.
There it is, Bradley J. Stevens, the only one in the book.
That must be the judge.
Judge Stevens.
I don't remember contacting his wife.
But from the way she spoke, her home must be a real show place.
Well, maybe the chief contacted her himself.
That's very possible.
You'd better cancel the layout on the McFried Mansion this week.
We're going to do the Stevens place.
Okay.
You know something, Bev?
I wouldn't change this place for a palace.
I mean it.
Let's face it, this is not home of the week material, this place.
Hello?
Yes.
Goodbye.
They're coming right over.
They're coming right over?
You mean who's coming?
The newspaper men from the Gazette, I've got to stop them.
The Gazette, huh?
The G-A-Z-Z.
No, Tony, that's not the number.
What was the number?
I've got questions so far.
What's the use?
They'd be gone anyway.
They said they were coming right over, Bev.
Well, I do.
Well, let's just straighten things up and make the best of it.
I guess that's all I can do.
Oh, what good is it?
Helen is right.
If only he had another lamp.
Say, maybe you could borrow Catherine Cooper's Princeton lamp.
I could run over and get it.
You know how gorgeous it is?
Yeah, it's nicer than any lamp that Helen Cavanaugh has got.
Say, and while you're on your way, you could borrow Marilyn Haddock's Claude Sennet cigarette box.
It'd look good on that table.
Your friends would be glad to help you out, Joni.
And I'll bet that Mae Richards would let me have her gilt antique mirror instead of this one.
And that beautiful fire screen you're always admiring.
Yeah, and I could even get Ruth Morgan's jade figures instead of these.
Oh, Joni, those jade figures are a family heirloom.
They're worth more than this whole house.
Oh, so what, honey?
I'm only going to borrow them for an hour.
Look how impressive they'll be.
Can you just visualize them up there?
Well, if that's the case, you might as well ask Louise Dugan to lend you her Gainsborough painting.
What, borrow her Gainsborough that her millionaire uncle left her?
I'll do it.
Hurry, Joni.
I think I hear them coming.
Okay, okay, this is the last piece.
There we are.
Mrs. Stevens?
Oh, yes, you're the gentleman from the Gazette, I suppose.
That's right, I'm Mr. Kellner, and this is my associate, Mr. Murphy.
How do you do?
This is my social secretary, Miss Beverly.
Pleased to meet you.
How do you do?
This is a very unusual room, Mrs. Stevens, but interesting.
Very Gainsborough.
Genuine Gainsborough.
Oh, naturally.
Jade.
Hand-carved jade.
A matched pair.
Beautiful, beautiful pair.
And you're the wife of Judge Bradley, Jay Stevens, correct?
Well, that's right.
I suppose all these priceless things have been in yours and the judge's family for years?
No, just recently acquired.
Magnificent piece.
Magnificently.
I mean this.
Mrs. Stevens, I must compliment you on what you've done with the decor of this room.
Well, it takes a heap of borrowing, I mean living, to make a house a home.
That's exactly it. That's the keynote of your home.
Warmth, hospitality.
You can tell just by looking at this room that you've got a lot of friends.
You can notice that, huh?
I mean, one of the things is the way you've successfully mixed inexpensive yet tasteful furnishings
with items of exquisite rareness.
That painting, for instance.
It belongs here.
Don't tell that to Louise Duncan.
What's that? Who do we do that?
Oh, she's the girl in the picture.
She and Gagey had quite a thing going at one time.
Well, Mrs. Stevens, I think we've enough material for your story.
Oh, I'm glad.
Your home will be in next Sunday's Gazette.
Fine.
Goodbye. Come on, Joe.
Bye. Thank you.
Goodbye. Thank you.
Well, come on. Let's get these things back to the rightful owner.
Hello, Fred.
Have you seen Talk of the Town in the late edition?
If you haven't, we'll get set for a shock.
As was itemed in this column earlier,
the judges in our fair city have evident signs of sticky fingers.
We now have information that one of these gentlemen surrounds himself at home
with treasures of museum piece value,
including such items as an original Gainsborough,
a meaningful vase, and a pair of carved jade figures,
a neat trick on a judge's salary.
Where does all that money come from, Your Honor?
Or should I say dishonor?
No, no, they don't name the judge.
No, I agree with you, Fred.
I've already called the district attorney and the chief of the police,
and I'm calling a meeting at my home with Hammond and Roberts.
Well, if there is a judge who has such stuff in his home,
I say let's do everything in our power to put him behind bars.
But he must have some proof this time,
or else he wouldn't make these specific charges,
without naming the actual articles in the judge's house the way that he did.
I agree with Fred. He's not speaking in generalities.
No, he is not.
You certainly are.
Cookies, Judge?
No, thank you.
No, thank you.
No, dear, we're talking.
Exactly what do you propose, Fred?
Well, I say that we ought to find out who the guilty judge is,
and then clean house ourselves.
You mean there's a crooked judge in this town?
Well, those are the accusations, dear.
Oh, I think that's disgraceful.
Yes, dear, we'll take care of it.
Whoever that judge is, we ought to have him removed from the bench at once.
Removed from the bench?
Why, they ought to fine him $100,000, put him in jail for 20 years,
and then when he gets out, maybe give him a trial.
Yes, I know, Judge. I know.
Hello.
Hello, Mr. Stevens. This is Albert Kellner over at the Daily Gazette.
I wonder if we could get a few more pictures of your house.
Pictures?
No, I'm sorry, Mr. Kellner, but that would be very impossible now.
We'd hardly take any time at all, Mrs. Stevens.
Don't take no for an answer.
I hate to insist, Mrs. Stevens, but we only need a couple of shots.
We'll be there right away.
If we can crack this case, it'll be a big bonus in it for both of us.
And promotions, too.
Hello? Hello?
Oh, my gosh, I guess he can.
They're on their way.
And so am I. I'll go borrow that stuff back.
You just make sure you get the judges out of the living room.
Furthermore, it will stop the papers from taking cracks at judges in general.
Then we'll draw up a statement for the press, explaining precisely where we stand.
That's exactly what we should do, because if you wait and...
Excuse me.
Yes, yes, Joan.
I hate to interrupt, dear, but there's a leak in the faucet.
A faucet? But, dear, this is an important meeting. We have a very...
You know how helpless I am at those sort of things,
and Brad is so handy with tools, he'll have it fixed in the jiffy.
But, Joan, I can't. I have to...
Okay, if you don't want to help me, I'll get them off in a bucket.
You remember the last time in the flood, the waves were...
All right, Joan, all right. I'll fix it for her.
I'll be right back. I'm sure it's nothing serious.
Right there, Brad.
Oh, oh.
Yes, well, it's just a washer, that's all.
I'll get the pliers.
Oh, you men, you're just so wonderful.
You get to the root of the problem right away.
Thank you.
So we must stand together in this matter to show that we're all beyond suspicion.
Oh, Judge Henderson, Brad's having a little trouble with the faucet.
I wonder if you'd give him a hand.
Of course. I always fix things around the house.
Mr. Henderson, excuse me, gentlemen.
Nothing complicated about a leaky faucet.
It's right there, Judge.
Brad, I don't think you should be turning the whole faucet.
No, no, look, Judge, I've done this before.
So have I. The first thing to do is to get at the master control.
Now you're getting someplace. You'll have it fixed in no time.
By the way, where is the master control?
Well, I think it's under here.
And I think that as private citizens, we should bring suit at once.
Well, personally, I...
Excuse me, Judge Hannon.
Yes, Mrs. Fink.
Brad and Judge Henderson are having a little problem with the sink, and I was wondering if you...
Well, I'd be glad to help. My wife considers me quite handy around the house.
She does?
Yes, it's nice to have you here.
Oh, my goodness.
Brad, Brad, now that's a wrong way to go about it.
No, no, we're getting it.
You have to take the faucet handle off the fitting here.
It's...
It's right that way.
Ah, plumbing side.
I'll get her off the water, Brad.
No, no, it just needs a wash.
But you've got to turn the water off first.
No, don't turn the water off.
No.
Oh!
Okay.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay.
Up the steps.
Come on, little girl.
Oh, oh.
Okay.
That's fine.
That is you in there, isn't it?
Yeah, right over here.
Come on.
You're such a good girl.
Here, let me take the lamp.
Ah, it's fine.
Ah!
Oh.
Nice of you, honey.
Oh, good thing.
Ah!
Oh, oh.
The main hall almost went big.
Listen, it's just about to fire screen.
I meant that.
Oh.
I mean, that's great.
That's great.
Ah!
Hello, Mrs. Stevens.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Fine.
Will you just take a minute?
The editor wants a few close-ups of some of your treasures.
Well, help yourself.
There they are, just where they were before.
Well, of course.
Where else would they be?
Of course, where else would they be, honey?
Now, I tell you, Brad, you're going about this all wrong.
Well, just hand me that stoop spread.
Oh, there we are.
Your hall must have really made an impression on the editor.
He wants a close-up of that gauge, bro.
Joe.
Yes.
Well, that certainly is very sweet of your editor.
And a better shot of that mini vase.
Ah, vase.
Oh, vase.
Vase.
And the Dresden lamp.
Yes, genuine Dresden, of course.
Well, naturally.
Here, let me have it.
I'll get it.
Well, I guess that about does it.
Yes, I think that should do it.
Oh, wait a minute.
How about these carved figures?
The real jade, emerald trim.
Oh, yes, we must get those.
Oh, and this plasma box in labored mother of pearl.
You know what I mean?
Yes.
Yes.
Let's see, oh, there's no sense in bothering with that candy dish.
It's just plain gold.
Gold?
Well, we'll get that gold.
Let's see.
This doing anything?
Yes, it's deafening me.
Well, I guess your editor's got everything he needs.
I'm sure he does.
Thank you so much for your trouble.
Goodbye, Mrs. Stevens.
Goodbye.
Thank you, Mrs. Stevens.
Goodbye.
Nice paper, that gazette.
Oh, I forgot about the judges.
Step number one, we issue a public statement.
Couched in the strongest language that states clearly,
as soon as we learn the identity of the judge whose home contains an original games burrow,
a mean vase, genuine jade article, and other objects of antique value.
And ask for his immediate removal from the bench and a criminal suit which could result in five to ten years in jail.
Excuse me, Brad, but what'd you say before?
I said five to ten years in jail.
No, dear, about a judge's house.
Oh, oh, yes, dear, it's all in the paper here.
Why don't you read it for yourself?
Now.
Original games burrow.
Stevens, yeah, that's games.
Dressed in length.
Mean vase.
Pssh.
What did I do with my old furnishings?
Beverly!
Beverly!
Come down right away!
Beth!
Come here!
Beth!
Beverly, we've got to put the old furnishings right back on here.
Okay, but I'm not wearing the new stuff!
Okay.
I've got to get all the stuff back in here.
This is a real emergency.
Okay.
And therefore, we, gentlemen, as we've done it, we've stopped the leak!
Well, I guess that about does it.
And if Brad agrees to draw up a public statement, we can adjourn our meeting right now.
We have had a busy day.
We certainly have.
We fixed the leaky faucet, and we're going to fix something else.
The Gazette's wagon.
We find that there actually is a judge who is guilty of their accusations.
Well, we've achieved our purpose.
It's been time well spent.
I'm glad you called this meeting, Brad.
Oh, my.
I expect our statement will do a lot to restore public confidence.
Well, I certainly hope so.
I'll get your hats, gentlemen.
Hats?
I'll get it, Brad.
This is the section of humanity.
Yes, I mean, it's very chilly.
It's chilly.
All right, then.
Bring hats to my hat.
I'm sorry.
Joan, here, let me do that.
No, no, no.
I can get them.
No, please, please.
I can't do that.
Mings.
Mings.
Dresden.
We know who the hats belong to, but which one of you gentlemen checked the rest of this
stuff with us?
Now listen to what the talk of the town golem has to say.
Listen, Joanie.
Our humblest apologies to the town's judges.
The hot tip we had suddenly turned cold, and a complete investigation of our legal eagles
showed this reporter to be 100% wrong.
Our humblest apologies.
You know, it's a good thing that Helen Cavanaugh passed by with those pictures of her house.
I wonder who that can be.
Good evening, darling.
Hello, Brad.
Hello, Helen.
Helen, I have a very pleasant surprise for you.
What?
Well, I'm pretty friendly with the boys in Rodegrevure at the Gazette, and they gave
me a sample of next week's Home of the Week section.
With pictures of my place in it?
Yes, darling, and they're just lovely.
And I even supplied them with some helpful information.
Gee, the pictures are beautiful.
I thought you'd like them.
Well, goodbye, darling.
Goodbye, Brad.
Goodbye, Helen.
Oh, thanks a million.
Oh, it's been a pleasure.
Goodbye.
Oh, Brad, how about that Helen Cavanaugh bringing us an advanced copy of our house for the paper?
And, Joanie, you keep saying that Helen is a nasty girl.
I know.
I guess I was wrong.
I, uh...
Oh, no.
What is it, Joan?
Well, she supplied them with some extra information, all right.
Above is the beautiful living room in the home of Mr. and Mrs. Bradley J. Stevens, Gainsborough
painting through the courtesy of Louise Dugan.
Redwood lamp from the home of Catherine Cooper.
Carved jade figures loaned by Ruth Morgan.
Now, now, now, wait a minute, Joan.
Don't you see, under these circumstances, it's a good thing Helen made them print that
information.
I know her, and she wasn't trying to help us.
But just the same she did.
As a matter of fact, we owe her a debt of gratitude.
Oh, sure.
Why don't we give her a medal?
Say, that's a good idea.
We'll give her a medal.
I've always wanted to hang one on her.
Why, I'd like to.
I'm Mary Joan, what a girl, what a world, what a life, oh, I'm Mary Joan, what a mind,
what a mind, what a life to do.
That's what I'm Mary Joan, to reach this all, that's what I'm Mary Joan.